This is it

A few weeks ago we sent in the official notarized form asking Big Scary Fertility Center to destroy to remaining vials of sperm that we had stored there.  This is it.  We’re done with TTC.  It’s an incredible relief to not be in the midst of that struggle.  And I’m so grateful that we are walking away with the family size that we wanted. It didn’t happen the way we’d pictured or in the time-frame we had planned, and there are still scars there (especially for Roo).  But every day I feel grateful that we have Tadpole and Sprout, (even when they are both screaming at the tops of their lungs simultaneously as they were tonight!).

Of course, like lots of bloggers before me, finishing TTC means trying to figure out what the purpose of this blog is.  After some drama-filled months (pregnancy! job layoff! new baby! new job!), things have settled down quite a bit.  There are (knock on wood) no more big changes in our future.  So what do I blog about?  I enjoy writing about the little daily joys and struggles that fill our lives now. Writing about them helps me to be more present to them now, and I hope will help me have a record of this fleeting time for the future.  But I’m not sure how interesting those things are to anyone else.

I’m also not sure what tone to take.  I don’t know how many of my readers are still TTC or are trying to make peace with a smaller family than they wanted.  But I think a lot about any who might be.  Taking too celebratory a tone seems like gloating, like going on and on about the amazing vacation I’m having to the friend whose flight to the same destination was cancelled.  But complaining too much doesn’t seem fair either, given that I know we’re incredibly lucky to be where we are.  And yet, if I avoid both the fabulous things and the hard things about my life, what do I write about?

I’m also struggling with the logistics of finding time to blog.  Our family has settled into our new routines and figured out how to get all of us out the door in the mornings (mostly) on time.  Unfortunately, the secret seems to be doing a lot of tasks (packing lunches, showering, etc.) in the evenings rather than the mornings.  This means less free time in the evening, which means less time for blogging.

I’m still not sure where this blog will go from here.  I’ve found this space useful over the last two-plus years, both as a place to write about my thoughts and feelings and as a place to get feedback from others.  So I don’t think I’m ready to give it up.  I’ll try out some things in the next few weeks/months and see how it goes.  I’d also love to hear your thoughts on what you’d like to see here, or how you’ve navigated the transition to a post-TTC blog.

In the spirit of trying things out, and holding onto the small moments, here are a few recent favorites:

  • Snuggling with Sprout every night after I give her her dream feed before I go to bed.  Her whole body is so limp and trusting.  I love the feel of my cheek against her soft one, her soft breath against my neck.
  • Sitting at the dining room table with our little family after dinner a few days ago.  Tadpole “helped” me bounce Sprout on my lap, she looked down at him and giggled her funny squeaky giggle, which led to laughter all around.
  • Sprout and Roo working together last weekend to plant some flowers in the window boxes of his playhouse in our backyard.  He took the task so seriously and was so excited about every step of the process.
  • Sprout and Tadpole having long conversations in the back seat that consist entirely of blowing raspberries at each other.

This is our life now.  We’re tired, but so lucky.

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12 Comments

Filed under blogging, Parenthood, Sprout, Tadpole, TTC #2, Uncategorized

12 responses to “This is it

  1. Sounds like you came up with a decision that is right for you. So, good for you! Good luck and I will look forward to reading when you have time and energy to blog your post TTC adventures.

  2. That last line encapsulates our life so well. We are so tired, but so lucky. I know exactly how you feel.

    I also have a hard time knowing what to say. I think you have to write what you need to write. People in this community know how to take care of themselves. If they need to step away they can.

    I’m so happy for you and your family.

  3. AndiePants

    I also think you should write what and how and how often suits your need. I think blogs are brilliant in part because they are so niche, and how they change over time. Personally, I find a lot of joy in keeping up with the stories of folks who I have gotten to know via their blogs, even if their experience doesn’t mirror mine at the moment – I count you among this! And, I think if your blog no longer speaks to folks, they will stop following you.
    I’m so glad to hear you are so blessed and so lucky. I like knowing there is life after TTC that is worth writing about (and I think it is!) because it helps me see beyond the next fertility hurdle into a blessed and exhausted future!

    • Aww, thanks! I’m glad that reading this is helpful.
      When we were TTC, there were times when I was felt hopeless about ever having another kid, and it was hard to read about other folks’ happy lives. But there were definitely times when it was helpful to me to read about folks who had “made it to the other side”. It was a good reminder of why were putting ourselves through all of the TTC craziness.
      Thinking of you guys and hoping for lots of good news in the next few months!

  4. I suppose I never really thought of my blog as exclusively a TTC blog, even when that’s primarily what I was talking about. (And, for that matter, we’re still leaning toward trying for a third. Just not right now. SO very much not right now. Ahem.) As such, I don’t feel like I need to stop writing because our lives have shifted. And I don’t think you need to either, and would kind of prefer that you didn’t, because I like reading what you have to say.

    I agree with the others that you should write about whatever you need to write about. You’re aware of others in different situations, and sensitive to them, which is great, but ultimately, people can choose freely to read it not read, as works for them. It’s not exactly like you’re cornering someone seated next to you at a family holiday dinner, when they can’t get away easily.

    I want to write more. I miss writing, and there are a lot of things I want to talk about, but at this point, I’m pretty much constrained to what I can write on my phone while pumping/nursing. Sigh. I keep telling myself this stage won’t last forever. In the meantime, is like to keep reading whatever you are able to write.

    • Thanks so much! I’m glad to hear that you enjoy reading.
      And it is helpful for me to remember that I’m not forcing anyone to continue following along.
      I definitely hear you on the difficulties of finding time for blogging in the midst of crazy-busy lives. I look forward to hearing more about your adventures when you have time!

  5. I would love to see continued activity on this blog–the snapshots into your life, your experiences, are lovely and, like others, I never considered this to be an exclusively TTC blog. But obviously do what’s best for you–whatever feels right…or write. 😉 Your blog was one of the ones that made me feel like I could actually start one of my own. It’s been great, so thanks, whatever you decide.

  6. Such a big decision! Glad you were able to come to it peacefully. I suppose there’s always something bittersweet about saying you’re done — along with relief. Sounds like you guys are doing really well. Sweet to hear about the good moments. I’ve also had some confusion around blogging over the years, but I keep hanging onto the space as a place for me-the-Mama. It can be whatever you want! Record things, vent, celebrate, or not. I will still read. 🙂

    • Thanks, yes, it was a relatively easy decision. Both Roo and I have felt all along that two was the right number of kids for us (except for some periods right after Tadpole’s birth when I wasn’t sure we’d survive having a second newborn!). I’m not sure I can articulate why. Sure, there are the practical considerations of not wanting to be outnumbered and not wanting to buy a bigger house or car, but mostly two kids just felt right to us.
      It does feel important to continue to write here, even when I’m not sure what I’ll write about. Thanks for reading and commenting! Looking forward to hearing about the arrival of little Starling!

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