I think I’ve been in denial about this pregnancy. I keep being startled when I look down at my stomach and see this big round belly.
Part of this may be because feeling so crappy for so many weeks on end has made me not really want to be in my body. I’m finally starting to feel a little better at least some of the time. But that means coming back to a body that has changed a lot since I last really inhabited it. I bumped my belly into Roo the other day when going through a doorway sideways–I was sure I had plenty of room, but clearly did not! I started telling my coworkers last week and I had thought most of them would be surprised–instead several said that they had suspected for a while and one even said, “I was wondering when you were finally going to tell us.” I’ve even had the first pregnancy-related comment (along with the first weird and unsolicited advice) from a stranger.
I also think part of what’s making it hard to wrap my head around this pregnancy is the fact that I’ve spent the last four years believing that I would never be pregnant again. And the time between considering trying to get pregnant, deciding I was ready to try, and getting pregnant was really short. In late January of this year we were still hoping for a positive result from what turned out to be Roo’s last IUI. We were considering switching to trying with me, but still talking through what that might be like. And by the end of March I was pregnant. I’m so grateful that this last part of our journey didn’t drag on and on. But it makes the fact of my pregnancy harder to really settle into.
It’s a weird place to be. I’m so grateful that we are finally on our way to having this longed-for and dreamed-of second kid. But I haven’t particularly enjoyed being pregnant thus far. And between the various spotting scares I haven’t let myself really believe that this was going to result in an ongoing pregnancy and even an actual baby. But now we’re at almost 13 weeks. We’ve seen and heard the heartbeat a bunch of times. My belly is getting larger by the day. It’s all starting to feel a lot more real.
Yesterday I went to a new thrift store that just opened near our house, because I currently have one pair of shorts that fits and I thought the summer might be more enjoyable if I had a few more. So I spent some time trying on maternity clothes. I got some shorts and tank tops. But I also bought a few cold-weather pieces. I pictured myself this fall wearing the cute brown sweater, or the nice purple shirt. Even more daring, I looked in the baby clothes and bought a Christmas onesie that says “Mommy’s Little Elf”. It felt important, in this time of settling into my pregnancy, that I recognize that this baby also belongs to Roo (who is the “Mommy” in our family). But it also felt really daring to purchase something for this baby. Of course we have boxes full of Tad’s outgrown clothes waiting in our basement, but actually purchasing something feels different.
We’ve wanted for so long to be here–taking care of Tad while preparing for the arrival of his sibling. But where we’ve ended up (with me pregnant instead of Roo) is different than where we thought we were headed. Roo and I are both still grieving that change. But I’m also going to try to start enjoying the fact that we are finally here.