I went to my friend A.’s baby shower on Sunday. I had assumed that I’d be less grumpy about going since we’re lucky enough to finally have a baby on the way ourselves. But I found myself really cranky about it.
I realized that I want to have a big ol’ toddler-style tantrum about how it’s not fair. Yes, I’m pregnant. But this wasn’t our plan about how and when we were going to have our second kid. And here’s this friend who got married in July 2012 and is having a baby in July 2013. It’s not fair that she got pregnany so easily, that her plan for having a kid worked out just the way she wanted it to. And now she’s having a big look-at-fertile-me party.
Of course, Roo wisely reminded me that this same friend has been single (and wanting to be in a relationship) for the vast majority of the time that I’ve known her. It was certainly not in her plan to be married at 39 and a first-time mom at 40. A. has mentioned that she will likely only have one biological kid. She has an awesome 9-year-old step-daughter, but entering the complicated world of step-parenthood was probably not in her plan either.
I suspect that once Sprout arrives it will be hard to imagine any other plan because the path we took was the one that brought us to him/her. But until then (and especially now, when I’m also bitter about being so sick) I’m grieving what we won’t have and not quite ready to embrace what we do. Sometimes I’m aware of the zillion different ways that I am lucky. But sometimes I need to stomp my feet and have a temper tantrum before I can be a rational grateful adult.