Apologies in advance for the fact that the post below contains a lot of whining about being pregnant. I imagine it may be hard to read for anyone who desperately wishes they were pregnant. I certainly understand if you’re mad at me for seeming ungrateful and if you need to not read this for now.
I’ve been feeling pretty crappy physically lately, and not all that great emotionally either. I’m used to being relatively comfortable in my body. I like all of the cool things it can do–rock climbing and hiking and running and carrying my 37-pound kid. It’s hard to have my body and its needs suddenly become so unfamiliar. And it’s hard to feel so anxious about the pregnancy.
I’ve been ridiculously hungry all the time for the last week or two. And it’s not just a feeling of being a little hungry, it’s an insistent demand that I MUST EAT EVERYTHING NOW that’s actually painful. Plus a lot of the time it’s that delightful combination of ravenously hungry plus so queasy that nothing seems appetizing (or even palatable). I used to pack lunches with just the right combination of healthy yummy food to get through the day. Now I have no ability to predict what will seem appealing in any given moment, and often find that I am ravenous by dinnertime, no matter how many extra snacks I have packed. I had horrible queasiness through about week 15 of my pregnancy with Tad and I’m terrified at the prospect of facing 10 more weeks of this.
My body has already become unfamiliar in shape as well. Several of my work pants already don’t fit–at 6 weeks! I know that it’s mostly just bloating at this point, but I do think I’m showing much earlier this time around. I have no idea how I’m going to make it to a reasonable number of weeks before telling people at work. Maybe I’ll start wearing mumus?
In addition, I’m on “pelvic rest” (no high impact exercise, no heavy lifting, etc.) because of the spotting. Running is one of the best ways I’ve found for dealing with stress, so it’s hard to have it forbidden. And I don’t like feeling so vulnerable, like even everyday activities could put this pregnancy at risk. I am constantly torn between feeling that miscarriages generally happen due to chromosomal problems (and therefore that nothing I do or don’t do will affect our outcome) and being terrified that I will blame myself if something does happen, even if I know it’s not truly my fault. Roo has been incredibly sweet about all of it. She knows it’s hard for me to be told not to do something (and that I’m likely to do more than I should). She was very sweetly bossy this weekend, and wouldn’t let me bring in the groceries or carry a bag full of library books.
The spotting has also made things difficult emotionally. It has freaked me out and made it really hard to get excited about this pregnancy. I made the mistake of looking online for reassurance (I know, I know, I should have known better!) and came across the lovely statistic that any bleeding equals a 50% chance of miscarriage. And that even hearing the heartbeat only brings the rate down to 16% for folks who have had bleeding (as opposed to the 2-5% that I’ve heard for folks who haven’t bled). I’m trying to remember that I had spotting right around this time when I was pregnant with Tad, and everything turned out just fine there. And that there’s many other factors (including the queasiness) that bring my risk down. But it’s still hard to feel completely reassured. Despite the good news at our ultrasound on Monday, much of my anxiety is back now. Our next ultrasound isn’t for another 10 days, and I’m still spotting a bit off and on. I know that statistically there’s a higher chance of miscarriage before even getting to where we are now. But I have read so many stories of bloggers recently who lost babies at weeks 7,8,9, often after seeing a heartbeat. And it’s hard to feel so crappy physically while also being unsure that it’s actually going to get us anywhere.
There is of course the added complication that this pregnancy isn’t something that I’ve been hoping for and dreaming about. I am so eager to have a second kid and so grateful that we may (pleasepleaseplease!) be done with TTC. But I didn’t have a particular desire to be pregnant again, especially considering the first trimester that I had with Tad. If I were only signing on for trimesters 2 and 3 I think I’d be much more up for it. But the queasiness and the constant anxiety, both during the time when you’re supposed to be keeping the pregnancy a giant secret…bleck!
I’m trying to remember that the queasiness is a good sign and the heartbeat is still a huge milestone. The PA thought things looked good and saw no reasons for concern (including the spotting, which she said was relatively common). I’m trying to see this pregnancy as another kind of physical challenge (rather than something that’s keeping me from doing the kinds of physical challenges that I like to do). I’m working on figuring out what I can bring for lunch that might get me through the day. I’m trying to take the queasiness one moment at a time instead of imagining how awful it will be to get through many more weeks of this. I’m starting to tell a few friends so that I have people other than Roo and you guys to whine to.
Mostly, I’m trying to be patient with myself as I find my way through. Just writing this all out is helpful, so thank you for listening.