Whining

Apologies in advance for the fact that the post below contains a lot of whining about being pregnant.  I imagine it may be hard to read for anyone who desperately wishes they were pregnant.  I certainly understand if you’re mad at me for seeming ungrateful and if you need to not read this for now.

I’ve been feeling pretty crappy physically lately, and not all that great emotionally either.  I’m used to being relatively comfortable in my body.  I like all of the cool things it can do–rock climbing and hiking and running and carrying my 37-pound kid.  It’s hard to have my body and its needs suddenly become so unfamiliar.  And it’s hard to feel so anxious about the pregnancy.

I’ve been ridiculously hungry all the time for the last week or two.  And it’s not just a feeling of being a little hungry, it’s an insistent demand that I MUST EAT EVERYTHING NOW that’s actually painful.  Plus a lot of the time it’s that delightful combination of ravenously hungry plus so queasy that nothing seems appetizing (or even palatable).  I used to pack lunches with just the right combination of healthy yummy food to get through the day.  Now I have no ability to predict what will seem appealing in any given moment, and often find that I am ravenous by dinnertime, no matter how many extra snacks I have packed.    I had horrible queasiness through about week 15 of my pregnancy with Tad and I’m terrified at the prospect of facing 10 more weeks of this.

My body has already become unfamiliar in shape as well.  Several of my work pants already don’t fit–at 6 weeks!  I know that it’s mostly just bloating at this point, but I do think I’m showing much earlier this time around.  I have no idea how I’m going to make it to a reasonable number of weeks before telling people at work.  Maybe I’ll start wearing mumus?

In addition, I’m on “pelvic rest” (no high impact exercise, no heavy lifting, etc.) because of the spotting.  Running is one of the best ways I’ve found for dealing with stress, so it’s hard to have it forbidden.  And I don’t like feeling so vulnerable, like even everyday activities could put this pregnancy at risk.  I am constantly torn between feeling that miscarriages generally happen due to chromosomal problems (and therefore that nothing I do or don’t do will affect our outcome) and being terrified that I will blame myself if something does happen, even if I know it’s not truly my fault.  Roo has been incredibly sweet about all of it.  She knows it’s hard for me to be told not to do something (and that I’m likely to do more than I should).  She was very sweetly bossy this weekend, and wouldn’t let me bring in the groceries or carry a bag full of library books.

The spotting has also made things difficult emotionally.  It has freaked me out and made it really hard to get excited about this pregnancy.  I made the mistake of looking online for reassurance (I know, I know, I should have known better!) and came across the lovely statistic that any bleeding equals a 50% chance of miscarriage.  And that even hearing the heartbeat only brings the rate down to 16% for folks who have had bleeding (as opposed to the 2-5% that I’ve heard for folks who haven’t bled).  I’m trying to remember that I had spotting right around this time when I was pregnant with Tad, and everything turned out just fine there.  And that there’s many other factors (including the queasiness) that bring my risk down.  But it’s still hard to feel completely reassured.  Despite the good news at our ultrasound on Monday, much of my anxiety is back now. Our next ultrasound isn’t for another 10 days, and I’m still spotting a bit off and on. I know that statistically there’s a higher chance of miscarriage before even getting to where we are now. But I have read so many stories of bloggers recently who lost babies at weeks 7,8,9, often after seeing a heartbeat.  And it’s hard to feel so crappy physically while also being unsure that it’s actually going to get us anywhere.

There is of course the added complication that this pregnancy isn’t something that I’ve been hoping for and dreaming about.  I am so eager to have a second kid and so grateful that we may (pleasepleaseplease!) be done with TTC.  But I didn’t have a particular desire to be pregnant again, especially considering the first trimester that I had with Tad.  If I were only signing on for trimesters 2 and 3 I think I’d be much more up for it.  But the queasiness and the constant anxiety, both during the time when you’re supposed to be keeping the pregnancy a giant secret…bleck!

I’m trying to remember that the queasiness is a good sign and the heartbeat is still a huge milestone.  The PA thought things looked good and saw no reasons for concern (including the spotting, which she said was relatively common).   I’m trying to see this pregnancy as another kind of physical challenge (rather than something that’s keeping me from doing the kinds of physical challenges that I like to do).   I’m working on figuring out what I can bring for lunch that might get me through the day.  I’m trying to take the queasiness one moment at a time instead of imagining how awful it will be to get through many more weeks of this. I’m starting to tell a few friends so that I have people other than Roo and you guys to whine to.

Mostly, I’m trying to be patient with myself as I find my way through.  Just writing this all out is helpful, so thank you for listening.

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15 Comments

Filed under Pregnancy, TTC #2, Uncategorized

15 responses to “Whining

  1. I had a really hard time during the first trimester, trying to reconcile how bad I felt physically with how little guarantee there was that it would all work out. I know what a difficult place that is to be.

    I hope things get better soon.

    Abiding with you.

  2. I very much want to be pregnant, and I’ve still found the emotional piece very hard (less physically, as I haven’t been that sick and I’m still biking). So, I can’t even imagine how much rougher this is for you. I hope things get much better soon.

    (And like you told me when I was spotting, put down the Google!)

  3. Definitely put down Google and shut it off. I am sorry you are having so many problems. I’m not particularly thrilled to try and be pregnant again either, so I definitely know what you are thinking there – hang in there, I hope it will get better for you soon!

  4. You phrased if perfectly, it was impossible to predict what I would be able and want to eat that first trimester. I would pack a whole bag of food for the day and barely touch it. And leftovers were impossible to stomach.

    I’m putting my money in the 86% chance that everything is fine. I’ll hold that hope for you.

  5. highwayttc

    Ugh, sorry to hear about the hunger/queasiness. Hopefully the next six weeks will fly past and you’ll be into the good part. And seeing a heartbeat is a huge milestone (try to forget about my experience; as a three-time loser, I’m clearly not typical.)

    All you have to do is get through this bit, gracefully or not doesn’t matter!

  6. Poor lady. I’m glad you have us to complain to, as we understand how something can be wonderful and HARD at the same time. I ate a lot of saltines, and my nausea wasn’t even so bad. But oh, the on and on-ness of it. I hear tell there are medications a girl can get her hands on, though…

    • Yes, I’m awfully glad that I have folks like you to complain to. It’s nice to have folks who understand the complicatedness of it all. And I do plan on asking about said medications at my next appointment.

  7. I feel like I could have written a fair amount of this post, mostly about the food and nausea. I’m 16 weeks now (as of today!) and I’m still kind of queasy and have a touchy relationship with food. It ebbs and flows, but still. I’m waiting for that fabled part of the second trimester when you start to feel really great, instead of at least moderately awful all the time.

    I’ve had a hard time, too, with not feeling excited when I feel like I should. It’s hard, though, when you feel crappy physically, and harder when you feel crappy and aren’t sure that it’s going to get you anywhere. I’m more comfortable now with the idea that this pregnancy is probably actually going to result in a baby than I was at the point you’re at now, but I’m still not what you’d call confident about it.

    Whine all you want. I’m hoping it will get better for both of us, and in the meantime, it’s nice to feel not alone.

  8. I totally get this post and relate to most of it with my pregnancy. The nausea was a killer for me as well. And like you, I’m an adventurer (mountain biker mostly) and have tried to think of it as just like another hard race to challenge myself with. You’ll get there soon and at the end you will be rewarded with the best prize ever! Please don’t feel sorry for whining…it can be quite miserable and the added weight of having to feel elated because you are pregnant, just makes it harder – I think!

  9. Late to the party, but I hope you’re feeling better, and fully support your right to whine if you’re not! 🙂

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