Good News Item #1: Tadpole is finally feeling better! He followed up the flu with a sinus infection and ear infection, which kept him home sick yet another day. But he’s on antibiotics now and seems to feel fine.
Good News Item #2: My mom is doing much better. Last weekend she was having some shortness of breath and ended up having to go back to the hospital (after having been discharged last Wednesday). The doctors are still working on getting her various medications adjusted, but it sounds like she should come back home this Saturday, and should have no long-term consequences from all of this. I visited her last weekend, which was really good. She was already feeling and looking much better by the time I left on Monday. It was wonderful to spend time with her, to see for myself that she was on the mend, and to lend a little help to my brother and dad (who are taking excellent care of her).
Item for which no amount of expletives will suffice: Roo is not pregnant. We took a home test on Tuesday night and got the blood test confirmation on Thursday. She feeling like she’s at the end of what she can take in terms of fertility procedures. So we’re moving towards trying to get me knocked up. The plan is that I’ll do the required tests and HSG in February and start IUIs in March.
We’re both grieving the huge losses that this entails. I won’t get to watch her belly grow. She won’t get to experience pregnancy. We won’t get to meet a kid with her genes. The family we create will be wonderful, but won’t be the one we had envisioned. We’re trying to take really good care of ourselves and each other as we start to move through this grief.
I’m feeling okay with the idea of possibly being pregnant. I’m not excited about it the way I was the first time around, but I think it’s similar to the way many straight women of my acquaintance feel about a second pregnancy–it’s more a route to an end (the kiddo who you want to have) than a glorious experience in itself. I’ve heard numerous women talk about how, during their first pregnancy they could have told you exactly how many weeks/days along they were, while in the second they were lucky to know which trimester they were in. I also know a little more about what to expect. I was lucky to have a fairly smooth pregnancy with Tad. But I still had horrible queasiness every afternoon/evening for the first trimester, plus some really uncomfortable hip pain near the end. Still, there were lots of parts of pregnancy that I enjoyed, and I am so very very ready to meet our new kiddo that I would be willing to go through just about anything to get there.
There are also fears that I won’t “get there”, that this won’t work with me either. I got pregnant fairly easily the first time (only our second cycle of trying), but that was almost exactly 5 years ago. I’m 35 now. And I’ve been having some really wonky cycles lately, which makes me nervous about the general state of my reproductive system.
My biggest worries about this new path are about how our relationship will handle this incredibly complicated time. Our relationship is in a really good place right now, and we have some good support that we can call on if needed. But I envision that there will likely be some bumpy roads ahead. Will I feel uncomfortable whining to Roo about my queasiness or swollen feet, knowing that she would love to have these problems? Will I be resentful that I have to experience the strains of pregnancy twice? Will she feel left out when people notice similarities in appearance between me and both kids? How will we answer people’s questions if they say to Roo, “but I thought it was going to be your turn next.” I imagine most of these issues will come up, and I have faith that we will find our way through them. But I don’t think it will be easy.
I’m feeling very lonely with all of this. It feels like everyone around me is getting pregnant easily. One of my two closest friends is 39 and got married in July, and just announced her pregnancy. Our next-door-neighbors (who have a 1 1/2-year-old) are pregnant with their second. And I’m sure I’ve mentioned my 39-year-old sister-in-law, who is pregnant with her fourth. We have shared a little bit of what we have been going through with some of these folks, and they have been kind and sympathetic, but don’t really understand the strain of a TTC process that drags on and on. And we don’t know any lesbian couples who have decided to stop trying with one partner and switch to the other. I follow one blog with a somewhat similar situation (they switched due to health issues), but that is it. That makes it harder to figure out what to expect about how this switch could affect our relationship over time.
So thank you for all of your support. It makes a huge difference to be at least virtually in touch with people who understand how hard this process can be. And any resources about couples who decide to switch to trying with the other partner would be much appreciated.