Good News and !%^(#@))*;;$@)&;; News

Good News Item #1:  Tadpole is finally feeling better!  He followed up the flu with a sinus infection and ear infection, which kept him home sick yet another day.  But he’s on antibiotics now and seems to feel fine.

Good News Item #2:  My mom is doing much better.  Last weekend she was having some shortness of breath and ended up having to go back to the hospital (after having been discharged last Wednesday).  The doctors are still working on getting her various medications adjusted, but it sounds like she should come back home this Saturday, and should have no long-term consequences from all of this. I visited her last weekend, which was really good. She was already feeling and looking much better by the time I left on Monday.  It was wonderful to spend time with her, to see for myself that she was on the mend, and to lend a little help to my brother and dad (who are taking excellent care of her).

Item for which no amount of expletives will suffice:  Roo is not pregnant.  We took a home test on Tuesday night and got the blood test confirmation on Thursday.  She feeling like she’s at the end of what she can take in terms of fertility procedures.  So we’re moving towards trying to get me knocked up. The plan is that I’ll do the required tests and HSG in February and start IUIs in March.

We’re both grieving the huge losses that this entails.  I won’t get to watch her belly grow.  She won’t get to experience pregnancy.  We won’t get to meet a kid with her genes.  The family we create will be wonderful, but won’t be the one we had envisioned.  We’re trying to take really good care of ourselves and each other as we start to move through this grief.

I’m feeling okay with the idea of possibly being pregnant.  I’m not excited about it the way I was the first time around, but I think it’s similar to the way many straight women of my acquaintance feel about a second pregnancy–it’s more a route to an end (the kiddo who you want to have) than a glorious experience in itself.  I’ve heard numerous women talk about how, during their first pregnancy they could have told you exactly how many weeks/days along they were, while in the second they were lucky to know which trimester they were in.  I also know a little more about what to expect.  I was lucky to have a fairly smooth pregnancy with Tad.  But I still had horrible queasiness every afternoon/evening for the first trimester, plus some really uncomfortable hip pain near the end. Still, there were lots of parts of pregnancy that I enjoyed, and I am so very very ready to meet our new kiddo that I would be willing to go through just about anything to get there.

There are also fears that I won’t “get there”, that this won’t work with me either.  I got pregnant fairly easily the first time (only our second cycle of trying), but that was almost exactly 5 years ago.  I’m 35 now.  And I’ve been having some really wonky cycles lately, which makes me nervous about the general state of my reproductive system.

My biggest worries about this new path are about how our relationship will handle this incredibly complicated time.  Our relationship is in a really good place right now, and we have some good support that we can call on if needed.  But I envision that there will likely be some bumpy roads ahead.  Will I feel uncomfortable whining to Roo about my queasiness or swollen feet, knowing that she would love to have these problems?  Will I be resentful that I have to experience the strains of pregnancy twice?  Will she feel left out when people notice similarities in appearance between me and both kids?  How will we answer people’s questions if they say to Roo, “but I thought it was going to be your turn next.”  I imagine most of these issues will come up, and I have faith that we will find our way through them.  But I don’t think it will be easy.

I’m feeling very lonely with all of this.  It feels like everyone around me is getting pregnant easily.  One of my two closest friends  is 39 and got married in July, and just announced her pregnancy.  Our next-door-neighbors (who have a 1 1/2-year-old) are pregnant with their second.  And I’m sure I’ve mentioned my 39-year-old sister-in-law, who is pregnant with her fourth.  We have shared a little bit of what we have been going through with some of these folks, and they have been kind and sympathetic, but don’t really understand the strain of a TTC process that drags on and on.  And we don’t know any lesbian couples who have decided to stop trying with one partner and switch to the other.  I follow one blog with a somewhat similar situation (they switched due to health issues), but that is it.  That makes it harder to figure out what to expect about how this switch could affect our relationship over time.

So thank you for all of your support.  It makes a huge difference to be at least virtually in touch with people who understand how hard this process can be.  And any resources about couples who decide to switch to trying with the other partner would be much appreciated.

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27 Comments

Filed under Tadpole, TTC #1, TTC #2, Uncategorized

27 responses to “Good News and !%^(#@))*;;$@)&;; News

  1. I’m so sorry that your partners cycle didn’t work out. How impossibly hard. And I’m sorry there isn’t more out there for you in terms of similar stories you can look to for guidance. Maybe couples therapy would help you through this time, when neither of you is sure what to expect? I hope another pregnancy happens quickly and easily for you.

    Abiding with you.

  2. Beldee

    We’re in that situation!! Except I am Roo. At the moment we’re facing the same thoughts and feelings. It’s tough for me as I wanted to carry number 2 and be a bio mum and my partner wanted my genes to be present in one of our children. Sadly that may not come to pass and I feel rather upset about that. Although we are going to put my last remaining frozen embryo in my partner and see what happens. My partner is feeling the way you are about the prospect of a second pregnancy. She’s really good at being pregnant but didn’t fancy doing it a second time. It’s. A relief for me to read about another couple in the same situation. Although I am very sorry to hear that Roo is not pregnant. I wish she was!

  3. A

    Oh, I’m so sorry. I have some thoughts for you, but I’m going to try to get them organized before sending. LMK if you prefer PM or comment (long comment!) or I could write a post and link it here. In the meantime, please take good care, and to the extent possible, try to put the fears about future feelings aside. (Easier said than done, I know.) Focus on gently managing the feelings you have now. There’s plenty of time for the others.
    a

    • Thanks for the advice. You’re right that there is plenty to sort through right now without worrying about how we’ll handle potential problems in the future. I’d love to hear your other thoughts, in whatever way you’d like to share them. My email is pajamamommas-at-g*mail. Thinking of you guys as you navigate your own complicated decisions.

  4. tbean

    I’m so sorry Roo is not pregnant. Switching bodies is tough stuff. We only sat in the specter of that space, and I can remember how overwhelming, how emotionally complex, how difficult it seemed to contemplate trying to navigate it. For what it’s worth, this is a blog (no longer writing but the archives are there) of a family that made the switch. The author tried for many years, suffered a loss, did IVF. Finally, they used donor eggs and switched to her wife, who then conceived and they have 2 year old twin boys. This is a link to one of her posts about switching. http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/01/03/so-this-is-it/
    Good luck.

  5. I wish saying I was so sorry could bring some sort of comfort to you. Please know that I am thinking of your family and all of the challenges you have ahead of you. But, I am also thinking of the incredible amounts of love that exist in your family that are so obvious to all of us who have read your blog. I am thinking about how that incredible love is going to carry you safely through the challenges ahead and one day you will end up on the other side of these challenges and your love will still be there, stronger than ever. Lots of good thoughts your way!

  6. I’m sorry that you two have been put in the position of having to make this incredibly difficult decision. Know that you’ll have lots of virtual support the whole way through.

    Also, I don’t know many bloggers who have made this decision, but I did read a book where they switched to trying with the other parent: http://www.amazon.com/She-Looks-Just-Like-Nonbiological/dp/0807001511/ref=reader_auth_dp

  7. e10stix

    ohhh, Im so sorry to hear about Roo (and you) — the old “switcheroo” is something we have talked about and at some point may seriously consider but arent quite there yet. I think much like everything with TTC, it is a loaded, challenging, relationship-straining situation — but once you get the *prize* its easier to look past the how-we-got-here part — or at least I *hope* that is the case. As good friends of ours keep reminding us – its horrible, terrible, painful now, but once its over…its over. Sending you hope for an easy transition!

  8. I’m glad that Tad and your mom are doing better, but I’m so, so sorry that Roo isn’t pregnant. I was really hoping that would work out for you guys. (Not that that helps, but still.) This process can be really awful.

    I get where she’s coming from with being done trying. We’re not (*I’m* not) quite there… yet… but it looms ever-larger on the horizon. I don’t have any advice from experience, but it’s a situation I’ve been doing a fair amount of thinking about lately. I think the really important thing is to keep the communication open, even if what you’re communicating is that there are some areas you need to be cautious of with each other.

    I know that for PB and I, this process can feel pretty isolating. It’s hard for anyone who hasn’t been in the trenches to get it, and so sometimes we dump things on each other that maybe we shouldn’t. She has a hard time not feeling a little attacked when I’m feeling especially angry and bitter (even though I’m angry at the universe, not her), and I nearly lost it a few weeks ago when she was telling me about how she thinks about all the things she should have done to prevent the miscarriage. (I sometimes feel like that spiral of “If only” is a black hole I cannot fall down and hope to emerge.)

    I’m certainly not saying that you shouldn’t talk to each other, or let each other know where you are; I think those things are vital. Just that there are somethings that are better vented about to other people. At least, I feel like that’s the case for us.

    As for what to tell other people who ask about you not switching carriers, I’d just go with “We had a change of plans”, or something like that. If you want to, depending on the person asking, or the situation, or your mood, or whatever, you could elaborate, or not. If they press, you can just say that it’s personal, and you’d rather not talk about it. Or that you’d rather talk about it later. You know, sometime when you’re not at a school function for Tad, for example. Or after hell freezes over. Whatever works for you.

    In long (it’s way to late for it to be in short), I don’t know how much help I am, but you’ve got my sympathy, and my support. I wish you much success in adding to your family, however that ends up happening.

    • Thanks for taking the time to share all of this. I agree that it’s likely we will find it helpful to share some of what we’re going through with other people rather than each other. I’m worried that it will be lonely for both of us, but it may still be the best way to go.
      And yay for you guys! Thinking of you in this exciting and nerve-wracking time!

  9. Glad for the good news, but so sorry for the kick in the gut that is the BFN.

    I haven’t experienced switching bodies (for many reasons, DP was never an option), but can certainly sympathize with the “everyone is pregnant but me.” Yet, like commenters above, I have faith that the joy of a baby will wash that stuff away pretty fast. Babies are good like that. 😀

    Wishing you peace with the changing of the guard. It’s a tough step, but it just might be the step you need to get the family you want.

  10. I’m so sorry to hear thaoppt things aren’t working out the way you’d hoped.

    I’m in no position to comment on deciding to switch partners, but I do know how tough fertility treatments can be – I imagine that added level of complexity only makes it worse. We’re discussing our own plans for #2, trying to decide when we will brave the fertility clinic again!

    I have my fingers crossed for you that everything works out and your family brings you nothing but happiness, no matter how they get here!

  11. So sorry to hear that things aren’t working out the way you’d hoped.

    I’m in no position to comment on deciding to switch partners, but I do know how tough fertility treatments can be – I imagine that added level of complexity only makes it worse. We’re discussing our own plans for #2, trying to decide when we will brave the fertility clinic again!

    I have my fingers crossed for you that everything works out and your family brings you nothing but happiness, no matter how they get here!

  12. I’m super saddened to hear the bad news part. I took the liberty of posting this to LFCA (http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/) so when the next post goes up, you may get some people stopping by. Of course there are TONS of couples like you, but finding them is hard. You have a brilliant sense of the challenges you’re going to be facing during this process. I think women sometimes feel guilty for deciding enough is enough, but my guess is, as long as Roo is doing this for the right reasons (namely, she really can’t bear to go through any more ART) as opposed to feeling like it’s not “worth” the expense, or feeling guilty about “disappointing” you, or feeling like some options (your eggs, her uterus) are just “insane”, or anything else that requires scare quotes…you guys will weather whatever comes. Which is not to say it won’t be hard. Aaarg. Really wishing you guys had been spared it.

  13. $&@! that news is right. I’m so sorry and frustrated on your behalf. Offering up lots of support. TTC can feel so isolating (I remember well the feeling that everyone else is pregnant) and extra hard or weird when you’re looking on as the other partner and in this position of being able to switch. We almost got there. It was tough. The emotions are complex. Sorry not to be more articulate. I’m assuming Roo has counted out IVF? Anyway, you’ve got a great foundation and lots of love to carry you through no matter what — and I’m rooting for you.

    • Thanks. Yes, this process can feel pretty lonely already, and adding in this extra complexity makes us feel like the only people in the world who have ever been through this–even though I know we’re not. In answer to your question about IVF, we looked in to it and were all set to start but Roo realized that it was just too much for her, for a whole bunch of reasons.

  14. I’m also so sorry that cycle didn’t work. I hope meeting similar families helps with the difficult road ahead.

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