Waves

This is a hard time of year for a number of reasons.  There’s a lot of down time, which means more time to notice some of the emotions that we’ve been too busy to give our full attention to.   There’s the fact that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of a new baby when we don’t have one on the way and desperately wish that we did.  There’s the fact that it’s almost New Year’s, and we really thought that we’d at least be pregnant by now.  And instead, we’re facing an even longer road to parenthood.  I’d been worried that all of these facts would lead to a general down and grumpy feeling over the holidays.  But that hasn’t been the case.  Roo and I have both been swamped by sudden waves of intense grief at various times.  We’ve managed to take turns being the one pulled out by the undertow and the one pulling the other back to solid ground.  But those down moments have been really hard.

In between these moments of despair, though, our time off has been filled with so many moments of intense sweetness.

We celebrated Tad’s birthday.  Roo and I spend a lot of our evenings in our bathrobes and Tad has wanted one for some time.  I found a purple one (his favorite color) and it was one of his presents.  Roo has repeated several times that she has never seen anyone so excited about a bathrobe.

Roo reading a new fire truck book to Tad (who is wearing his new bathrobe)

Roo reading a new fire truck book to Tad

He also got a soccer goal from one of his sets of grandparents and we’ve spent a lot of time in our backyard playing with it.

Tad as goalie

Tad as goalie in a fascinating fashion ensemble

Roo, Tadpole and I spent a cozy morning collaborating on the creation of a gingerbread house.  We had Christmas music playing and we laughed a lot.

The finished masterpiece

The finished masterpiece

It snowed on Christmas Eve, and Tad and I had a grand time that afternoon playing with his soccer goal and trying to catch snowflakes on our tongues.  In the evening we went to a service at Roo’s parents’ church.  We knew from going last year that visiting kids would be provided with masks and invited to be animals during the pageant.  When we talked about the pageant on Christmas Eve morning, Tad was thrilled with the idea of paticipating, but concerned about only having a mask to wear.  So Roo helped him make a sheep hat out of cotton balls and a tissue box which he proudly wore.

Tad the sheep

Tad the sheep

We got home from the service at about 8:30pm, and Tad dictated a note to Santa with only one request: “a dollhouse for my babies.”  This was not one of the items that we were planning to give him and we panicked.  As much as I am not into the Santa thing, I didn’t want my little guy to be disappointed on Christmas morning.  Fortunately, we had a big cardboard box that some of his other gifts had come in and that (plus a note “from Santa” explaining that it could be used to make a dollhouse) was well-received on Christmas morning.  We had a cozy morning at our house, and all wore our pajamas (and bathrobes, of course) until about 2pm.  Tad spent a lot of time working on his “dollhouse” and playing with his other presents (for the record, he did get more than a cardboard box for Christmas!).

Tad decorating his new "dollhouse".  The white box inside is a bed.

Tad decorating his new dollhouse. The white box inside is a bed.

We went to Roo’s parent’s house in the late afternoon and had a fairly quiet Christmas with them until Roo’s brother’s family showed up around 7pm.  Tad had a fabulous time running around with his cousins and the blurs of motion below give you a feel for the activity level.  There were difficult moments, including a long conversation about my sister-in-law’s pregnancy.  But I love watching Tad and his cousins together, and I am so fond of my neices and nephew.  My oldest neice, who doesn’t show affection easily, gave me a kiss on the cheek on her way out the door.

Tad's cousin playing with one of his toys

Tad’s cousin playing with one of his toys

This morning it snowed again and we had a lovely lazy morning playing with Tad’s new toys.  The blue and green plastic one is a favorite–a set that can be used to build various vehicles.

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Happy Winter Holiday of your choice, and I hope that the new year brings you many moments of sweetness and light.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Waves

  1. I know what you mean about the rough moments. (And the pregnant sisters-in-law, come to think of it.) I think this is a time of year that makes it hard not to think about such things. From the whole baby-in-a-manger bit to the tendency to reflect on the past year and make resolutions for the next. (And it’s not exactly as easy as putting “get pregnant” on the list of resolutions, is it? At least not for some of us. Which sucks.)

    But the rest of it sounds just lovely. We have had some very sweet moments ourselves, and I am grateful for them. This is the first year Critter has had much awareness of the holidays, and it’s so much fun to watch.

    By the way, I love Tad’s dollhouse. That Santa is a quick thinker! Oh, and your last line made me smile. I had actually put a picture of our family up on FB this year, with the caption “Happy Winter Holiday of Your Choice! Love, Critter, PB, and PA.” (PB’s mother felt the need to point out that they were celebrating Christmas, thank you, but at least liked the picture.)

  2. I’m so sorry about the moments of despair. There’s no cure for them except resolution, and I hope it comes soon, in the form of a knocked-up Roo. It’s a beautiful life you’ve got, though and I’m glad that’s shining through.

    One of the best Christmas presents ever was when my brother made me a dollhouse out of cardboard. Cardboard furniture, too. Of course, it was a lot more elaborate that Tad’s but filled with love, too.

    I LOVE THAT SHEEP SUIT! You guys are amazing.

  3. What a beautiful Christmas. I felt warm and cozy just reading about it. I know those moments of despair and I also am thankful when they get wrapped up in moments of joy. Enjoy that beautiful family of yours!!!!

  4. Thank you os much for putting into words why this holiday season can be such a difficult one. Though we are on a slightly different journey, the sentiments that you shared about this time of you resonated strongly with me.

    You have built such a beautiful family and my heart was truly warmed by reading this post. I am glad that the moments of despair were enveloped in such loving and sweet moments of joy. Thank you for sharing them with us.

  5. A

    Every time I read about Tad I smile. He is such a special kid. I love that he’s so happy with small things, like a box! A bathrobe! It’s heartwarming. Seriously. So glad you guys had a nice cozy holiday. Your post on the holidays reminded me of a recent episode of This American Life – http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/482/lights-camera-christmas It made me think a lot about how I will handle Christmas/Santa when I’m a parent. (Emphasis on When, not IF!). Best wishes for your next IUI. Hope to hear some good news.

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