I’ve worked hard at not letting our TTC struggles have too much power over me. I’ve tried to believe that, even if I can’t control the process, I can control how much I let it take over my life through changing how I think about it. I keep trying to remember all of the good things about the life we have now and trying to let go of my expectations about the time-frame for baby #2 (while maintaining faith that we’ll get there someday). But the last few days have been rough. Some days it just sucks to be where we are and to not be able to make our dreams come true. And I’m not sure how to make it suck any less. I’ve been feeling really sad about how long this process is dragging on and how far we still seem to be from having a baby. I love our little family the way it is, but I have also been feeling that there’s a little spirit who is missing from it who ought to be here.
Part of this despair is probably related to the fact that we’ve reached the one-year-of-trying mark. I know that we’ve only done 5 tries in that time (and that this is largely due to the fabulous trip to Italy that we were so lucky to have). But the anniversary still feels significant. It’s a year later and we’re still spinning our wheels and haven’t made any progress towards having a baby.
To add to my grumpiness, we just found out that Roo’s brother’s wife is pregnant. This is their fourth for those of you keeping score. And their oldest is not yet 7. Maybe on another day I would have been hopeful that we’ll get pregnant soon and excited that our baby could have a cousin who is close in age, but that’s so not where I am right now.
In addition, when Roo and our doctor were discussing plans for what to do if this cycle doesn’t work, he made the first mention of the possibility of IVF. It’s still a little ways off–and partially dependent on what he finds if he does another sonoHSG (which is our plan if this cycle doesn’t work). I’m trying to see this as him responding to our despair and impatience by offering us an option that will significantly improve our odds. But right now it feels like he’s giving up on us and saying that there’s no point in continuing with what we’re doing. It also feels like his proposing IVF negates our current explanation that we’ve just had shitty luck so far, even though I know that’s not necessarily the case.
I’m excited about doing something different that might give us better odds, but I have no idea whether we could afford IVF. Roo’s insurance has covered her for 6 IUIs, despite disclaimers about potentially not covering folks who are using donor sperm. But I don’t know if they would do the same for IVF, or if the 6 IUIs we will have done so far would be enough for them to think IVF is a reasonable next step. And the insurance coverage would make a huge difference. It would cost about 3 times as much to do IVF with no insurance as it would to do it with.
As Roo reminds me, though, we are definitely not there yet. We’re only a few days into this current IUI cycle so it may be jumping the gun to start worrying about IVF at this point. But having a plan about what we’ll do if it doesn’t work helps me to get through each cycle, so it’s hard not knowing what that plan will be.
For those of you who have been down this road, when did you switch to IVF? What factors influenced your decision?