Thanks so much for all of the support about my last post. I really appreciate it. I’m able to put away the guilt at least some of the time, and am starting to get really excited about our Italy adventure.
<warning: whinge-y, whiney post ahead. I’ve tried talking myself out of these feelings, and tried talking myself out of posting these feelings, but this seems to be where I am so I might as well share>
Sorry for disappearing for a while there. I’ve been feeling kind of down lately and haven’t had the energy to post or comment much. I’m still reading your blogs and thinking lots of empathic thoughts, just not doing a great job of actually typing my comments. I spent some time the other day trying to figure out where this low-level blah feeling is coming from, and I think there are several different things going on:
- There are lots of reasons that I’m happy to not be at my old job anymore, but I do miss the community of co-workers that I had there. At just about any time of day you could wander into the staff room and vent about a difficult session, or get ideas about where to go next with a complicated case or just chat about plans for the weekend. My new job (where I’ve been since last July) is with a very small agency. Most of my current colleagues are there only part time, and there are a number of hours each week when I’m the only person in the building. I also supervise most of my co-workers. All of those factors can make my time at work rather lonely.
- The rest of my life feels a bit lonely too. Several of our friends who live locally have just had a second kid and are harder to schedule time with. One of my close friends from college has disappeared for a while due to some things happening in her life. Also, Roo and I used to go to church but haven’t been feeling at home there lately (there’s a very long post about this church stuff percolating, and I’ll get it finished someday).
- The first month or so of not TTCing was helpful and healing. But now it’s starting to make me antsy. It’s hard to see pregnant women and infants and know that that won’t be us for a while yet. (yes, poor me, I have to spend time and energy on a trip to Italy right now. I never said these feelings were logical.)
- The final reason, and possibly the biggest one right now: we’re still working with Tadpole on getting himself to sleep. He was doing well for a while, but things have gotten bad again. He has been awake until after 9pm the last several nights. And not just not sleeping, but doing charming things like carrying his potty across the room and using it as a step-stool to reach items that we intentionally placed out of his reach. Or tearing the cardboard backs off of his picture frames and pretending they are cookies. (As a random aside, we’re really glad that we got him the Ikea bed with wooden slats supporting the mattress. It makes jumping on the bed way less fun for him.) He is also still refusing to take an afternoon nap at home. Roo and I realized recently that we had really come to depend on our Saturday and/or Sunday afternoon naps to catch up on sleep that we missed during the week. And now, not only are we not getting to nap, the brief one-hour break that we have during Tad’s naptime is interrupted with all of the times we need to check on him. So no weekend naps, plus no evening down-time with the boy tucked away in his bed make for unhappy moms.
I’m working on all of these things. I have reached out to my supervisor at work to schedule some time to get support from her. I’ve joined a GLBT families group in our area (though I can’t go to the next several events due to schedule conflicts). I’m continuing to look for a church that is the right fit for us. Roo and I sat down the other day and divided up the remaining tasks for the hoops that we need to jump through in order to make the Big Scary Fertility Center happy. I have started working on those, and it feels good to be at least getting ready to try again. Our current plan is to do the HSG in early June and a first IUI in July.
It’s helpful to identify the reasons that things are hard right now, and hopefully a number of them will get better soon. Thanks for listening.