I’m really not at all sure how I’m going to make it through the next 11 or so days. I’m swirling in a sea of anxiety. I start to drift in one direction, imagining the way the next few months could look if this cycle worked. And then I try to bring myself back to the present, only to start imagining how our life and our family will be very different if Roo isn’t pregnant. And then there’s the fun of trying to imagine how we would survive a miscarriage. I try to console myself with the fact that this last possibility is, statistically, the least likely one.
I find myself clinging to the solidity of the things that I do know about the next few months (God willing, and the creek don’t rise).
-At the end of February, Roo has a conference in New York City (and her school is paying for the hotel room!). She’ll be there for four days, and I’m going to come up for two of them. We’ll spend time together in the evening, and during the day I’ll be on my own as she attends workshops. One of my favorite things to do is to wander by myself through an unfamiliar city. I love people-watching, admiring the architecture, having a general destination in mind but being able to change my itinerary on a whim. I hang out in coffee shops, walk for blocks and blocks, and save up stories to tell my family when I get home. I’m looking forward to spending time with Roo in the “big city”, but am also looking forward to spending some time by myself (which is something I do so rarely these days).
-At the end of March, I have a conference in Washington, DC (and my work is paying for a hotel room that just happens to be near Dupont Circle!). I’m excited about hearing some big-name speakers, learning new things, and feeling more energized about work. Plus more time on my own in a big city!
-Thanks to some financial assistance from my parents and Roo’s parents, we have booked our big trip to Italy for June! I’m nervous about being gone from Tad for that long, but also very excited about it. More new places to explore, some quality time with my sweetie, and an amazing adventure. I had been holding off on really getting into the planning, but we bought our plane tickets last week! So now I can throw myself into preparations. I’m going to work on learning some Italian and reading up on the cities we’ll be visiting.
-No matter what happens or doesn’t happen in other areas of my life, spring is coming. I went for a run this afternoon in the lovely 50-degree weather. A quirky neighbor stopped me on my way home to tell me he had seen a robin this morning. There were purple crocuses (croci?) everywhere. It’s supposed to snow tomorrow, but soon it will be more consistently warm out. Tadpole and I can spend more of our Fridays having outdoor adventures at playgrounds and parks. It won’t be that long until it’s warm enough to go wading in the stream at a park nearby. I can break out the short-sleeved work clothes (I’m currently sick of my long-sleeved ones). The days will be longer, and we won’t be waking up in the dark.
It feels like there is a lot riding on this cycle. If it doesn’t work, we likely won’t try again until at least July. I’m trying to hold onto the belief that we will have another kid at some point. Once that reality occurs, I won’t have to be lost in the sea of possibilities anymore. The kid we have will feel like the only possible kid for us, and therefore the timing of his/her arrival will be the only one we can imagine. But until that happens, it’s hard to have so much up in the air.