Now what?

We had our initial appointment at the big scary fertility clinic on Friday. 

The good news:

The doctor we met with was very sweet.  We met with him for about an hour and he talked through the options with us.  He talked about the pros and cons of the various routes and left some things (like whether or not to use Clomid) up to us. 

The doctor also seemed not bothered by working with a queer couple.  When we mentioned that the website doesn’t discuss same-sex couples at all, he seemed genuinely surprised and concerned.  He even wrote himself a little post-it note to talk to someone about it. 

Being a bit of a control freak, I like the idea of doing more monitoring and being able to tell exactly when Roo ovulates.  During our January attempt, the OPK turned positive about a week earlier than usual, and it would have been good to know what was going on in there and whether it was even worth trying that month. 

The not-so-good news:

It’s expensive.  I knew it would be, but wasn’t sure exactly how much more it would be than what we’ve been doing.   Turns out the answer is: a lot.  Like about twice as much per cycle as we’re paying now.

They want Roo to have an HSG (x-ray of her tubes) to make sure that they are clear.  This seems like a reasonable thing to do (though the fact that Roo got pregnant at least once would suggest that they aren’t totally blocked).  But it means that we wouldn’t be able to do an IUI that month.  There’s also a whole bunch of other requirements that will take some time (and money) to complete.  Because they are a certified fertility center there’s some extra bloodwork and a mandatory counseling session because we’re using donor sperm. 

The conclusion:

I go back and forth in terms of how I feel about all of this.  I like the idea of doing something different.  And knowing more about what’s happening in terms developing follicles seems like a good idea (though I have to be sure to remember that just knowing more about it doesn’t actually give us any more control over it).

But I’m feeling despairing about the expense of it all.  I got a pretty substantial raise when I got my new job in July, but all of that extra money has gone directly into fertility stuff.  And that, plus most of the “extra” money that we had (tax refunds, bonuses, etc.) is all gone too.  And to complicate matters, we have an opportunity to take a big trip in June.  Roo’s work will pay for her share, but we have to come up with the money for me to go.  It feels like we could save up for one cycle with Dr. A, or one cycle with BSFC or our trip.  But there’s no way we can do all of them at the same time.  

And then there’s the fact that the February cycle is our last chance for timing that will put Roo in the second trimester by the time of our trip.  I had horrible “morning” sickness in the first trimester, which makes me very wary of trying to go on our big once-in-a-lifetime adventure with a potentially queasy, exhausted partner.

So our current plan is do another cycle with Dr. A this month.  And then we’ll re-evaluate, probably taking a break from TTC between then and our big trip.

At times I want to have a big temper tantrum about how this isn’t fair.  I want to stamp my feet and yell.  It’s not fair that we’ve had THREE whole attempts and aren’t pregnant.  It’s not fair that the process in general costs so much and that the procedure that will get us better odds feels financially out of reach.  I have painful twinges of jealousy when I see pregnant women walking down the sidewalk.  Two of Roo’s friends have recently found themselves unexpectedly pregnant and it is sometimes hard to talk to them.

I try remember how incredibly lucky we already are.  We have an amazing son.  Three IUI attempts is really not a lot (I’m very aware that manyof you reading this have been through way more than that).  We have a cozy house.  We have jobs that we find fulfilling and satisfying most days.  We have extended families who are healthy and who support us.  We have friends who take good care of us.  Right now, Roo is at the grocery store, buying lots of healthy fresh food, (and some not so healthy yummy food.)  In the global (and even local) scheme of things we are incredibly privileged.

This jealousy and anger feel unlike me, and I’m not sure what to do with them..  I’m usually someone who is painfully aware of the privilege that I have rather than envious about what I don’t have.  I feel guilty about being jealous of others, given all that I have already. 

But my desire to have another child is intense.  I want to hold a tiny snuggly baby again.  I think about the joy that Tadpole has brought to our lives and imagine how much we would enjoy watching another child grow.  I imagine checking on two small people at night.  I want to see Tadpole interact with a sibling (especially after seeing his reaction to several of his friends’ new siblings).  I get scared that the ever-increasing distance in age between Tadpole and a little one will make it hard for them to be close.  This desire for a baby is deep and strong and does not like being thwarted.  But I need to find a way to hold that strong desire without becoming bitter and mean when things don’t go our way.  I’m not sure how to do that yet.

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10 Comments

Filed under Tadpole, TTC #2, Uncategorized

10 responses to “Now what?

  1. Z.

    It is so hard. I have no comforting words for you, except to try to let go of your mental timetable. When we were trying and trying w/o success to get pg with Zazie, it made it harder for us when we held on to the idea about well if it happens now, then it’ll be just in time for x. Looking back, we realize that if it had happened one of those time before, we wouldn’t have the awesome that is Ru and El. Likewise, you wouldn’t have Tadpole, if your timing had been different (you’d probably have someone else equally awesome, but that’s not my point, haha)! Anyway, I TOTALLY hear you. Hugs.

    • Thanks for the comment! Letting go of the mental timetable does lessen the stress of it all (when I can manage it). I’m trying to maintain hope that we will have another baby someday, while being less tied to a particular plan about when/how it will happen.

  2. Oh, stupid, stupid money. It ISN’T fair, and your feelings are so totally right on. Sure, you have a lot to be grateful for, but that doesn’t invalidate your longing for what you don’t have. (After all, by that logic, you’d never have gotten Tadpole, and I’d never have gotten my daughter.) There are a lot of dimensions to your situation that I wouldn’t claim to understand, being all heterosexual and such, but what you say sure makes sense to me. The whole issue of TIMING adds a dimension of SUCH frustration, too.

    I hope you end up not needing BSFC, but if you do, you’re so right that there are some real upsides to a medicated cycle (better chances! Yay!) and more monitoring (better information! Yay!). I just wish money would fall from the sky to at least solve that issue.

  3. the money thing is just the shit icing on the crap cake, isn’t it?

    glad BSFC was actually friendly — sometimes these people have no idea at all about how they come off, i think. i hope you don’t need them, but at least if you do, you won’t need to go in angry/afraid.

  4. Oh, big hugs. I hate that money is the thing that could make it all easier and it’s standing in your way. Here’s to a money tree?

  5. I can really identify with this post. When we got our 10th (11th?) BFN this month my mind immediately traveled to all the people I know who are pregnant and became pregnant for FREE. And we’ve spent so much money trying to start our family. We initially thought this would be less expensive and more of a “sure thing” than adoption, but now…as you know, we are really at a crossroads. I hope this month is successful for you guys and you can move forward and look toward your trips. I have some recs for DC btw. I used to live there. 🙂

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