Today Roo, Tadpole and I all go back to work and school for the first time since December 22nd. It has been a nice vacation. Not much spectacular happened. But there have been cozy days at home helping Tadpole set up his new Brio train set on the playroom floor. And a day trip to Lancaster, PA on a gloriously sunny day. Roo and I went out to see a movie in a real movie theater for the first time in months. We got a lot of medium-sized chores taken care of. We all got used to sleeping in til 8am. Tad and I spent some time in a parking lot with his new balance bike. Tad saw his first bonfire and first fireworks on New Year’s Eve.
Now we are back to packing lunches with little tupperwares. Back to a more familiar routine. Back to getting dressed up for work. Back to waking up at 6:15am every weekday.
January also brings us back to TTC. I had thought I would feel antsy during our month off and eager to jump back into things, but it hasn’t happened that way. I have really enjoyed a month without the emotional rollercoaster of the two week wait. It has been lovely to be more present to the family I already have, without pouring so much emotional energy into the possibility of concieving kid #2.
Somehow in the last month I seem to have lost track of the fact that this whole thing is intended to bring us a baby. It feels like we will be stuck in a perpetual purgatory of TTC.
I think part of my anxiety is also related to the fact that this will be try #3. Our doctor (Dr. A) has suggested that, if we’re not pregnant after 3 tries, we consider moving on to a big fertility clinic. Dr. A is not a reproductive endocrinologist. He’s a GYN who is willing to do IUIs. He’s an odd guy, and in person is a far better talker than a listener. But he has been so warm and friendly with us. He gives out his cell phone and email and responds promptly when we have any questions. When inseminations fall on a weekend, he comes in wearing jeans and a t-shirt and plays ball with Tadpole while I hang out with Roo. When Roo has been anxious about whether our difficulties so far mean anything about her ability to conceive/sustain a pregnancy he has been kind and reassuring.
Dr A’s approach to conception has been very low-stress, low-tech. We wait for a positive OPK, do two IUIs, and that’s it. No intensive monitoring, no medication. He seems to start from an assumption that, except for the IUI part, this is a natural process. There’s no reason to do anything more complicated unless there’s evidence that we need it.
If #3 doesn’t work and we move onto one the fertility centers, what will that mean? How many more visits will we have to fit in each cycle? Will they push for Clomid or other medications? How much more will it cost? Will we be just one more customer among thousands?
Before we found out about Dr. A, we attended an information session at one of the two big local fertility centers. It did not leave us with warm fuzzy feelings. First, there was no mention during the info session or on the website or in their brochures about same-sex couples. None. At all. And at the info session they didn’t seem quite sure what to do with us. Roo and I went to the session together and walked in holding hands. Before it started, a staff person was walking aroud handing out information packets to each couple present. She came to us and said “one per <very long awkward pause> group.” Group? Who did she think we were to each other? The info session itself also included a description of male-factor infertility that used a “joke” about sperm not stopping to ask directions. Which I’m sure was incredibly welcoming to the men who were brave enough to attend with their female partners.
So I’m guessing our first choice will be the other local fertility clinic. But that one also has zero mention of same-sex couples in its literature. Hopefully try #3 will be the one that works, and we won’t have to worry about any of this.
The new year does bring with it some helpful perspective. Looking back, last new years doesn’t seem so far away. And it seems very likely that we could be looking at fireworks next year with a little one in our arms or on the way. <knocking on wood, crossing fingers, and doing aything else I can think of to keep from jinxing things by daring to write this. I know there is certainly no guarantee>